pangattack

well thats nice to know. win.

i’m sick. after a 5 minute conversation with her i want to vomit. every little word feels like a slice to my skin.

i don’t want to be the kind of person who complains incessantly, but when it comes to my relationship with my mother i can write harry potter sized books on how bitter and upset i am.

i know anyone who reads this will automatically say “shes your mother, shes given you her life, what would you be without her etc. etc.” yeah i get that, and its true, she does do a lot for me and i’m forever in her debt. and if you, the reader, want to judge me and think that i am a horrible daughter who doesn’t appreciate her mother, you can go right ahead, but my feelings wont change.

with all that being said i really despise how terrible my mother makes me feel; how she goes out of her way to spite me. its beyond pushing my buttons. its simply unbearable. in turn, i leave when she’s out of the house and i come home when shes already asleep ON PURPOSE- SO WE DONT HAVE TO TALK. but she goes out of her way to yell at me when im half asleep or when im in the shower. she traps me. and for what? to fucking babble incessantly over the random things the hates about me.

she has a full deck of zingers and knows exactly how to use them: “your’e just like your father,” “i thought you were smart but youre going to a cuny,” “dosen’t it bother you how fat you are?”

yes im just like my father, maybe because im his daughter.

yes im going to a cuny on scholarship because we can’t fucking afford my target school, even with the scholarship i got.

yes, i may not be as skinny as i used to be, but good going ! you’ve successfully landed a pathetic blow at my self esteem, from my own blood nonetheless.

and she has more !!!

any kind of rebuttal or negative response to her bullshit its suddenly

“oh what a monster ive raised!”

“i’ve always been a good mother, look how youv’e repaid me”

“i bet you don’t treat your friends like this!!”

and it angers me. it angers me how easily she can just turn around everything i say and make me out to be an ungrateful daughter. how easily she makes me feel like a nothing. at the same time i feel pathetic. i’m 20 years old and she’s reduced me to a child. i let her step all over me. i wouldn’t fucking tolerate this from anyone else. if it was boyfriend saying all this shit, you would call it verbal abuse, but when my mother says it im suddenly a daughter in the wrong?? and then it turns to guilt. she makes me question myself. Am i really bad person? Is it I who torments he everyday? Does my lifestyle disappoint her so greatly that she feels compelled to yell at me until I change? shes my mother, obvs she has the best intentions, maybe this is just tough love? and it makes me feel sorry for ever harboring these hateful feelings for someone im supposed to love.  and the worst of all, you think that there would be some sort of learning experience from all of this. maybe her actions will motivate me to change myself for the better and i’ll become really smart and skinny and she’ll eventually shut the fuck up because she’s run out of things to bitch about. or maybe on a less extreme note, at the very least, she’ll make me a stronger person. but i don’t feel any more motivated, and not the least bit stronger. i just feel like a piece of shit.

is permanency.

i crave change, desperately. but at the same time i want everything preserved perfectly, just the way it is.

on a less dramatic note. i really fucking want these earrings from purposerosa (@blogspot) but i’m broke (yes, broke enough to miss 12 bucks) friday was my last official day of work, and as of now i am living off petty cash from buyingsellingchicksnyc. giant sigh. they areso PRETYY. UGH!!!

poopsey.

its funny how the most unexpected people of my high school class turned out to be my closest friends today. (honorable mention: sorry charm) [fuck brooklyn tech]

devil ears

wubzy be mine

da babez

johnathan anthony young samson ung

neekoletta

moomoo

i am procrastinating !!

i have nothing to write!!!

but i dont want to do work!!!

things i want to the next weekend that i don’t have school or work. 

-roadtrip

-hello kitty manicure

-shop

-go to church at least once (in a long time)

-go to barnes and noble to read manga

-go to library to read

-play pool

-go for a bike ride

-sleep

i promise myself ill finish this checklist… by christmas?

lifes ok.

lol ):

done with school!

but still stressed out unfortuneately

i work at a gallery now

loooking for a job. feeling hopeless.

debating between summer school and summer fun. i registered but have yet to pay ( its already late)

im dissapointed with my grades

im happy about the year though. i really like the friends i made. pat on the back.

on a hungrier note, i love asian food.

random, but im going to try really hard to be a better person. i wont let you, or myself down anymore.

family trip was awesome!

now back to sk(ew)l

gonna start eating healthy again

although the days of filipino food were awesome

its good to see boyfriend again (:

also associate xtine lee is back <3

life is kinda good .

now rydah!!

i wanna unplug her.

no homo(cide).

no on a realistic note i really hate my mom nowadays.

im actually pescetarian, whoops.

im going to canada.

day 5 of being vegetarian

i eat a lot of spinach

and tuna

and mushrooms

and apples

also lots of tea to keep my hydrated

i wonder how long this will last.

my friends dont believe im doing this.

lost a little weight already!

but i feel better about the health aspect.

in other news

im applying for lots of jobs and hoping for lots of luck with the apartment situation.

better space = living

just as better eating = better feeling

i also love the weather lately. it makes me happppppppyyyyyyyyyyy.

ok bye (: